It was a feeling of destruction within my soul,mind and heart...My body was in shock and cold shivers made me clench my jaw with intense nausea. I was unable to think of anything else. He was not making love to me last night, he was in her arms,in her bed feeling her body warmth and whispering sweet words to her.
Why was it not me? what is wrong with me? Am I that ugly that he would not want me- Oh shit...I'm the rebound.
A rainy Tuesday morning.I woke up not feeling myself.I did not sleep well at all the night before, Something was wrong or something was about to happen. I sat up in my bed,puffed my pillows up and lay my head against the pillow leaning on my wall. I didn't want to be alone this morning, this was the perfect day for bed, and cuddling and just being close to that special person. I picked up my phone to check for any messages from him, but there was nothing waiting for me to put that dazzling smile on my face. We had only been dating for a month but there was already love within my heart as well as a fire burning passion and desire for him. I knew he was on training that day so maybe he was up late studying and was up early again to prepare for exams for the day....Ill try phone in a half hours time just to say hi, hear his voice and put my mind at ease to remind myself there was nothing wrong, there was nothing to be afraid of..Its time to fully give my heart.
Got out the shower,and sat on my bed in my towel and stared out the window..All I could think about what how happy I had been the past few weeks,It was almost too good to be true. But this was it and I had found happiness, it felt so right in his arms how could this ever be wrong? I picked up my phone 08:00 and still no message from my Handsome. "Let me phone him quickly" It must have rang for what had seemed as though it were a life time. I then put down with a terribly ill feeling right down to my Core again. So I then decided to call his House Mate to see how he was last night. After a few rings his House Mate answered his phone.Not only was he his House Mate but they had been friends since they were young boys so they knew everything about one another, But they were also always in competition with one another for everything-mostly Ladies..
He informed me that my man had not slept at home last night, his friend had thought he had slept by me..But he didnt...
I sat there asking in my towel,hardly able to catch my breath and just breath.
I dialled his moms Number, she answered and I asked if he was there and if he had stayed over? There was a pause and she said "no my child, I have not even spoken to him in days. why whats wrong?" after telling her the story, I asked her for his ex fiances number.. More shock,more shivers and more heart ache consumed me.
With shaking hands I dialld the last number I ever wanted to dial..A very tired voice answers the phone. After a long chat about the night before that she had infact spent with him while I slept alone I learnt that he planned to leave me and start off fresh with her again. How could he do this to me? I told him that I had nothing left in me to give when I had met him as I had been so badly hurt so many times before,why did I give him an opportunity to build me up only to break me down? I had told him that If he started something with me there would be no going back and that he should be more than 100% sure that I am who he wants to be with me..Oh well guess that meant nothing to him.I was the fool again,I should have just stayed single,Life ws much less complicated.I would much prefer to be lonely and single than lonely,heart broken and single!!
I tried to call him again, still no answer.I started sending text message after text message telling him that he has no Balls, he is liar and a coward! Still no response from him!It Hurts so bad!I got dressed the best I could in my state,tried to stop crying put myself together as much as what I could and picked up my handbag to walk out that front door and wait for him at his house."Im at your house now, I want the truth and nothing more, you owe me that at least!" That was the last message I sent to his phone as I lay there on his bed staring out to the street wondering why I even came when I knew what the actual truth was!? We were in fact only together for a month so whats so making it so dam had to not care and just let things be? Why am I only doing this to myself? If he really cared he would not be acting the way he is,he would be here with me and would not have even gone to see her,after all they had been apart now for three months.
I tried to sleep, walked up and down the hallway of the house, tried to listen to music while I waited and waited for his return. Eventually his mother calls me telling me to please not give up on him and to fight for him, I sit there after I have put the phone down and just burst into tears that I had been trying so hard to hold back so that he would not see my weakness that I have for him.. My cryptonite!
He walks in the door,I stand up and somehow everything just felt like it was going to be ok,he held me so close in his arms as his tears ran down my own face.All he could say was "I am so sorry" and All I could say was "Its ok, we all make mistakes and we all have a weakness" After a few hours talking I told him that I love him and can forgive him but he must really mean it.I watched him cry for hours as he lay next to me " How can you even bear to touch me or even be close to me after what I have done?" my reply simply was " when you truely love someone you can see past that all, see them for who they can be as a better person"
As time went by there was always interference from his ex, there were days I still wondered if I really wanted to be with him, I would check his phone, check his E-Mails, check his facebook and I hate to admit it but even created a fake facebook account to keep track of what his ex had to say and do. Everytime they spoke she would update her status about him...I was an emotional wreck, I was so insecure, lost all self confidence and sure as hell lost all self respect to be lowering my morals to do this all to yself and living this way!Its Something I said Ill never do, something I said Id leave a man for, Yet for some reason I was just not able to leave him. Fact is as time went by I saw he had stopped all contact with her, he tried more hard to help me get past it all.We eventually broke up due to my insecurities and he also was not sure that he wanted me. But as I started packing my things to leave he started crying and asked me to stay, he told me he was wrong and confused and could not bear life without me. Again I was unable to leave, I quietly wondered to myself If I was mad to stay,stupid to love him and beleive him and even wondered if this is how my life would always be...One big emotional rollercoater...Yet as I lay there wondering this well he slept with his back to me even after having asked me stay I still convinced myself Id be a fool to leave him.
Its no been almost a year since then,There is no doubt I am inlove.
He has no wondering eye, no more dating site accounts, no communiaction with his ex and spend all his free time with me.I AM NOW HIS FIRST AND ONLY PRIORITY!I am still working and trying to get over everything that happened but truth is you will never truelly get over it, you will never fully heal but I can say that Id never give up on him that easily, or walk away that easily,I love him and if he did not love me he would not be with me. A relationship is something that you never stop working on, you need to find ways to keep doing things together and have fun doing it all and keep it interesting.Its also a two way street so remember what you put in, you should get out:)I dont know if we will alwys be together,But Im taking that risk for many reason some right and yes maybe even some wrong but its worth it, should it not work I know that I had given my all and everything to make it work and Ill never look back...who knows he may just be that special man I spend the rest of my free time with:)
